Reprogramming Mental Preprogramming

• Dont know why I still cant just post a regular text blog. But this tumblr is dead. I am saving it for the sole purpose of retrieving and saving older material to my new computer when I get it, but I probably wont be updating it anymore. Check back here later for a link to a new blog if I ever get around to making one. Sayanora.

So

• valentines day has come and gone. Woohoo.
• How long until I exist to you again?

Valentines.

• So for whatever reason I still can't actually type a normal test blog. Yeah, tumblr works just fine.
• Anyway, I felt like blogging about this so here it is.
• Valentines day is rapidly approaching. Its always been a weird holiday for me, with my fickle heart and overly romantisized imagination. I remember Valentines day last year. It was dinner with and old friend/newfriend/new girlfriend/old girlfriend. I remember getting her a present. A guitar case, a teddy bear complete with chocolates, and a book of bad love poems written over three years of our strange, rollercoaster, and ultimately tragic and painful lovelife. Sadly.
• I have never spent so much time on a present. If anyone knows me, they know I am not a craftsmen. I don't make things. Whats more, I don't give gifts. Im usually broke and lack the forethought to buy anyone I care about material things or make them anything.
• This time was different. I put my all into it. I spent hours finding these old poems I used to write, some even from highschool, and compiled them into one document. Edited and rewrote. Even wrote some new ones. Then I bought a bunch of arts and crafts stuff; card stock, scissors, glue. We have all this at home already, but I boguht new stuff. I wanted this to be from me.
• I put together a badly made portfolio (i am, like I said, not artistic. the heart cut outs where juvenile looking, but I certainly tried and ended up covered in cuts and glue) full of little poems and sonnets and the like, and presented it, along with other presents, to my old friend/new friend old girlfriend/new girlfriend once again ex girlfriend/ once again ex friend it seems. There where tears. There was talk of love. There was rejoice and smiling and hugging and laughing and good times where had by all involved.
• For a little while, anyway.
• I think back on it now, and, to put simply, it is very sad.
• I am a lot of things. I am a liar, and a cheater. I am ashamed of some things I have done in my past, and filled with remorse over the emotional toll its taken on myself and those involved. Fucking ashamed.
• But I am a lot of other things too. I am caring. I do take care of people when they are too drunk, I am an ear to hear you out, I am a rock in times of hardship, I did make that fucking book of poems and I did mean all the nice damn things I said. I did love. I always did love. No matter what I did, I love and loved.
• And its so tragic to think that that has been wiped, erased, forgotten, even worse to think it has been put in to question if I ever loved at all.
• I am not perfect. There IS good in me. I admit to major faults. Must they wipe out all the good?
• How could you have forgotten so much that I will never.
• I don't and probably won't have a valentine this year. I won't write any poems on the accursed day. I wont make a portfolio with love and care and emotion. I don't know what I will do, but I will assuredly, as I do everyday, spend at least a little time thinking of you and grinding my teeth knowing how little you think of me.
• White flag, whats it matter anymore. You see only red.